Thursday, April 28, 2016

I've got a hammer and a heart of glass, and I've got to know right now which walls to smash

john mayer

There are some days when the right words just won't come to me. I can't explain myself. I can't explain how I'm feeling. The only explanation I have for what I'm going through are the words of others who have gone through the same thing from articles I've found or posts on Facebook. When I can't speak, they speak for me. These tend to be the days where my anxiety is swallowing me whole. Yesterday was one of those days.

I felt fabulous Monday and Tuesday. I was so excited to not have a migraine, not be anxious, and not feel the general malaise that has been plaguing me for over a month now from my crazy ass hormones being out of control.

Yesterday was an entirely different day.

Being a counselor for my occupation for a few years has made me acutely aware of things just not feeling right in my mental state. Yesterday started off fine, other than the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and I was tired this morning. As the day went on, the emotions flooded in: first anxiety, then guilt, and finally just sheer overwhelming panic. I managed to breathe through what I thought was going to be a panic attack and with the help of a few good friends, the feelings subsided....and then they came back....and then finally, I could breathe again.

In the process of going through this cycle, I kind of had a meltdown on my husband. One thing that I have to recognize is that this is a struggle for him too.  He's never had to deal with someone who has anxiety or depression. He's trying to understand, but my lack of being able to explain things doesn't help. I'm not sure about anyone else dealing with this, but for me it's not easily explainable to anyone and I can't always put into words exactly what I'm feeling or why. It's not something I have really ever brought up, even with my closest friends because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to start the conversation or how to answer their questions. It's time to start the conversation, though, and this is how I'm doing it.

I feel like this is my official coming out. My name is Maisy and I struggle with anxiety and depression. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed. There are days when I want to scream because of the struggle going on inside of me. There are also days when I feel really amazing. There are days when I am able to give life everything I've got and feel so amazing about contributing to society.

I have run out of fucks to give about being judged or if people think I'm crazy. This shit is real and it affects me every single day. I have found solace in joining online support groups and talking to other people about what I'm going through...because there's no way you can truly understand it unless you're going through it. If you're not going through it and you love someone who is, just love them and be as empathetic as you possibly can. There's a different kind of exhaustion that comes from fighting battles internally. We know it affects you too. We know you struggle watching the person you love curled up in a ball in the corner of your bedroom sobbing. We know it hurts you. That adds to the guilt, which adds to the feeling of helplessness.

I don't feel helpless or guilty today. I feel almost kind of numb...probably from the anxiety meds I took last night to calm myself down. I do feel calm, though. My mind feels clear...clear and completely exhausted. No matter how exhausted I am, though, I am in a much, much better place than I was yesterday....and that's the key for me, reminding myself that better days will come. I know they will. I've had them.

This blog helps me express how I'm feeling. It helps me get out the words that tend to not come in the times that I need them most. More than anything, though, I hope it helps someone reading it to feel not so alone. There are SO many other people out there going through what you're going through, some of them open about it and some of them still suffering in silence because they're afraid of being labeled crazy or weak, or afraid that people will judge them for their illness. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. I'm here to listen. I'm here to be a friend and support you through your ups and your downs and to write about mine so that you know that you're not crazy when you feel awesome one day and the next you feel like you're drowning. Shit happens. That's life. If nothing else, this struggle has made me a much kinder and more empathetic person. I have a much deeper understanding of mental health than I ever did before I  So here are some things that help me and some things that I try to avoid (in no particular order):

  • The love and support of my husband and friends
    • There have been times in my life where I wasn't comfortable opening up to anyone about my struggles...if you're not ready to talk to the people that you physically see every day about it, only support groups are great resources and provide you with a little bit more of an anonymous, comfortable space. 
  • Panda Cam
  • Flowers
    • I love flowers. It's a little way of saying, "I love you, I'm here for you, and I hope it gets better." My favorite: The Bouqs
  • Cuddles with my dogs.

  • Happy/ Funny tv and movies
    • I watch a lot of Disney movies/tv, Kimmy Schmidt, Parks and Rec and Broad City. Ain't nobody got time for sad movies/tv, real life has enough of that already.
  • Online mental health articles and support groups
  • Counseling
    • I can not stress this enough: TALK IT OUT with someone. It helps to have an unbiased, professional to talk to that can help you work through what you're going through. 
  • Meds
    • Find a psychiatrist and see if meds might be a solution for you. There is no shame in medicating your illness if it helps you. 
  • Music: See playlist below

  • Random acts of kindness for other people
    • I like to send my friends flowers, write love letters for, and try to find little ways to make people around me smile. It makes me feel like I've done something good when I'm struggling to find the good things about myself. 

  • donna and tom
    • Do something good for yourself. For me: I go get a frozen yogurt, take some time to do something I enjoy, watch Harry Potter, get some Indian Food, go to the Farmer's Market, go to a yoga class, or just enjoy some time by myself. 

  • Alcohol
    • Drinking only makes things worse for me. I don't think it's a solution and if it makes you feel better, it's only temporary. 
  • Ambien
    • I don't sleep well. I've never slept well. Ambien makes me feel and do some crazy shit. If you're trying it for the first time: be careful. Maybe, look into melatonin. It seems to work for me and it's all natural. 
  • Judgemental people
    • There is no room in your life right now for people who are going to make you feel worse about what you're going through. Surround yourself with love and support. It can make a world of difference. 
  • Overly stimulating situations
    • I just can't with the overly stimulating situations when I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Saying "no" is ok. 

At the end of the day, you know what you can and can't handle and these are only suggestions, but sometimes when you don't know what to do suggestions can be helpful. 

I'm wishing you all of the love and light in the world. It will get better, my lovelies, it will. Live your life honestly and be proud of the fight in your soul. Celebrate your little accomplishments, someday you might look back and those little accomplishments are the things that led you to move mountains. 


  1. I get it. I so very much get it. Your post on this is to me like the facebook posts you referred to here. Love and light to you, Maisyann.

  2. love this post, the Things to do and things to avoid are so 'right on'. Anxiety can be a debilitating illness and knowing that there are others out there fighting it makes me feel so much less alone. Wishing you more 'good days'.

  3. I feel like your speaking from my mind. From the anxiety, depression and even migraines, I relate to it all and often just keep it all to myself for fear no one understands. So thank you so very much for this blog. It has helped beyond measure!

  4. Thank you for making me feel not so alone in this horrible illness. Depression and anxiety sucks.

  5. I told my boyfriend about my um... Issue is what I call it for the first time. We are new to dating only 3 months. I just went threw a Divorce last year after 12 years of marriage and I have been real careful with myself. I have been learning to fight off small little attacks of Ani (I call it) when I can. But for the first time in months I had a really bad day. Ani came full steam. I tried to explain it to him, and he came back at me with the 5thought that I didn't want him around and didn't want to see him. This only made my day worse and this morning is still just as bad. I felt like I was just talking circles trying to explain to him that it was not him and that I love him and didn't want to loose him. I don't know what else to do. :(