Thursday, April 14, 2016

i must become a lion-hearted girl, ready for a fight

This is one of those days where I just want to crawl into my Little Mermaid onesie, turn the A/C down really low, watch Star Wars and cuddle with the doods. As I've gotten older, I've either gotten more introverted or just realized more how introverted I've been all along. There are some days when I just can't deal with people. There are some days when I feel like I should not be forced to interact with the general public. I just want to embrace my weirdness and indulge myself in the little things that make me happy. However, I'm a grown-up and I have to go to work. The last couple days, I have been inundated with dumb questions and whiny people. It's like a full moon or something.

On top of my normal anxiety, I've been having some physical and emotional issues lately related to my PCOS. It may affect my ability to get pregnant, which I thought maybe I was earlier this month. I took a pregnancy test right before my birthday when I was over a week late....negative. I was experiencing all of the symptoms of early pregnancy...and I mean all of them, but after taking a blood test at my OBGYN--negative again. I didn't realize until that point how badly I want a baby and how scared I am that I won't be able to have one.

The emotional implications of going through this have been weighing on me big time. My anxiety has been worse than normal and I feel like I might be going through a little bout of depression. Even as open as I am about mental health, it still hurts a little piece of me to even admit this. I feel like anxiety has become a lot more openly accepted but depression is still one of those things that you just don't talk about. It makes you feel broken to think about the fact of people looking at you as someone who battles depression...which makes you more depressed. I don't want to feel broken. I've survived too much to feel broken from this. At some point, maybe I'll delve into is not the time. I've learned to not dig down into past trauma when I'm already feeling vulnerable to what I'm going to start calling the 'pression monster (it makes it sound less awful to me if I make it into a funny name like Tom does on Parks & Rec).

What makes all of this even worse is that I have a really hard time verbalizing all of this--to anyone. I can type it or write it, but actually having to talk about it...I just freeze up. I can't seem to explain myself correctly which makes me really frustrated and even more upset. I have been going to therapy and being treated for anxiety for a little bit over a year now. I'm proud of the progress that I've made and the fact that I've addressed them.

I didn't feel like writing about my wedding this week or last week for #weddingwednesday. I sat down to do it. I stared at the computer screen and my brain just went blank. All I could think about was how I just wanted to be curled up in bed and not speaking to anyone. All I could think about were questions that I knew were plaguing me because of my raised anxiety and the 'pression monster. This kind of writing helps, though. It helps clear my mind a little bit and knowing that someone who has struggled through something similar might read this and not feel so alone helps me more than anything.

I promise that this blog isn't going to be all about anxiety and depression. I really feel like it's important that it's talked about, though, and that I'm honest and real with what's going on in my life. Even if you're not going through it, you may know someone who is and your understanding and empathy means more to them than you'll ever know. Hug your friends and family extra hard today. You don't know what's weighing on their minds and that hug might be exactly what they need.

Hugs help. Music helps. Doodle cuddles help...and even sometimes humans help. If you're going through it (whatever it may be), I'm here and I'm with you.


Playlist of the day:


  1. This post really speaks to me, and oddly enough, especially today. I appreciate your openness to share your struggles, as well as your wisdom. Thank you for always brightening my day, even when you don't want to adult. I'm going to take you up on that free hug you were offering next time I see you, which will probably be tomorrow! And for the record: I think you are already a lion hearted girl, even if you don't feel like you are today. <3

  2. You ALWAYS brighten up my day too!! I'm gonna take you up on that hug! :)

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