Thursday, March 31, 2016

sometimes i feel too many feels.

There are days when I just want to cry and I don't feel like talking to anyone. Those are the days when I probably should talk to someone. I can't rationalize why I feel the way I feel and neither can my poor husband who tends to look at me like I'm completely insane when this happens. His understanding of anxiety and depression before meeting me was very little and although I can tell that he is trying to understand, he still doesn't quite know how to act when I feel like this. All I want are hugs and for him to tell me that everything is going to be ok and I'm just fine the way I am.

I'm not sure why, but my dips into the pool of anxiety and depression seem to often coincide with him feeling overwhelmed with the things that are bothering him. Me already being in my feels makes me a really bad person to bounce these thoughts off of. It only overwhelms me more and then I feel guilty for not being a better sounding board for him when he's feeling overwhelmed. I don't know the answer to this.  I think the answer is that I probably need to start seeing my therapist again.
(P.S: Therapy is great. If you haven't tried it, I highly encourage you to try that shit. It works.)

image by: Gemma Correll

I have PMDD (premenstrual dysmorphic disorder) and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I know that a lot of my anxiety and depression issues are hormonally related. As much as I try to prepare myself around the time I know that I will be experiencing higher than usual levels of feels, sometimes I'm not prepared. On top of my mental health being less than optimal at this time, I get wicked migraines, cramps, and nausea/vomiting.

I spent the last two days throwing up and in bed with an icepack on my head. It's not the greatest feeling in the world. On top of literally feeling awful, the guilt of being incapacitated and not able to function for at least two-three days per month eats at me. I feel like I'm letting down everyone around me by not being able to physically or mentally handle what I go through every month.

I know that I need to start being more responsible for my physical health and contributing towards being a healthier individual. I feel guilty about that too. I'm going to actively start making changes in my life towards this goal. This blog is actually a great forum for me to keep myself accountable for the progress I'm making on this goal, but before I started my accountability process, I wanted to give a shout out to everyone who has ever felt this way. I know I can't be alone, although there are so many days when it feels like it. If you're going through this shit too, you're not alone and stop feeling guilty (I need to take my own advice).

P.P.S: Love yourself and those around you. It certainly can't hurt to be a little kinder.

maisy ann

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